december 2022 archive

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december 26th 2022

18+ kinda lol
ok maybe pg14 idk

last night, after waking up, doing christmas, going to the in-laws and doing more christmas, spending all day socializing, getting all the gifts home and at least up the steps, and getting the kids tucked away to sleep, i drank a third energy drink and made my playlist for my brother's new year party. i had a few songs on it already, just things i added here and there if i heard something i thought would be good, i added it on a whim. but last night i just sat and listened to music and focused on building it. it was barely over an hour long when i began, and is now 6 hours long.

i felt really good doing it. it's so weird but most times i am neutrally listening to music, letting the app's algorithm pick the next song, not really listening. and then every now and again i listen to music and my bubble of awareness grows smaller and smaller, closer to me, and it's just me and my headphones against the world. i think i really got sucked in because i was going through some old favorite archives, plucking out songs and bands i havent heard since probably high school. i had a pretty far reaching indie taste in music in high school, it was the early 10s so indie of any sort was popular. you either listened to pop party anthems or indie lmao. or lil wayne. at least the people in my high school did lol.

anyways, i havent felt that good without ~drugs or alcohol~ in a very long time. i hope that my friends know i am bearing my soul when i play them this playlist in a week lol. there was one song in particular that i didnt include on the playlist, mainly because the genre, that grabbed me by my arm, demanded i look in it's face, and gave me nostalgia the heaviest i've ever felt. i don't feel nostalgia a lot, maybe in small little moments, but i don't crave it or seek it, and i'm young, so really there's not much to be nostalgic about.

when i look back at old photos, old social media posts, videos, writing etc, i don't recognize the girl who made them. i know it's me lol but i am very very different from her. so much so, that i don't understand her much any more. i said and did things i never would dream of saying or doing now, she's embrassing, she bids for attention, she signals for virtues i don't believe she truly held. she bragged, she over reached, she takes pride in being a bit stuck up towards people who don't deserve it.

but when i heard that song, i understood her almost entirely. i said and did things with wreckless abandon because i didn't have much of a mask. i let go of shame and humility when i finally got so tired of being called weird that i would reply "i know!" and walk away. i wanted people to know i existed, and that i existed in fact very differently, and that i was capable of forming my own, usually trivial, thoughts and opinions. showing people who i truly was, for the most part, used to come to me so easily. and i didn't take lightly to people who cringed at me for doing just that.

you're probably DYING to know what song did that to me but i promise you it's pretty disappointing. it wasn't the content of the song at all, it was just hearing it again after so long.

now tonight, i feel almost entirely different. for one, i feel ugly. this is a feeling i can not control, no matter how clean i am or how cute i'm dressed. secondly, i am heavily heavily craving cuddles. cuddles is too cute of a word for what i want. i want to press the temple of my head into someone's large and soft arm and drape my fingers over their wrist. i want to stand up and look up at a person and walk my fingers up their shoulder to their neck and rest the weight of my arms on their chest. i want to sit on someone's lap facing them (i HATE the word straddle) and look at them dead on, and ask them if they have any weird moles. (or tattoos or scars; anything that triggers people to guide me exactly where on their skin they have little stories they will then proceed to divulge to me, of which i will intently listen, given my physical position on their body aiding my interest).

"arlita you have a husband go jump his pelvis hello!!!!" he works 70 hours a week. i will be jumping his bones soon & thank you for your concern

um concluding sentence, it's just strange and fun and maybe a bit beautiful that i can feel two entirely different and intense emotions just 24 hours apart.

woah a wall of text just for you?? lucky

december 18th 2022


wow im typin on blog dot html again rn what. anyways yesterday i went to my sister's house to have our annual cookie day, which is a day we spend all day making cookies, putting them on tins and boxes, and gifting them to friends and family for christmas. we started about ten years ago we think but don't remember, and have done it almost every year since. i usually help but don't do multiple recipes, this year i did 2 double batches of two different kinds. i made red velvet cookies and hot cocoa cookies. i regret doubling both of them lmao. my sister told us to wear christmas pajamas, and i have xmas pjs, but i chose to wear my husbands deadpool pj pants and a red tank of mine. i dont have an image but pls imagine it, i looked cute as hell. but that was a bad idea because i was freezing. all of the women in my family either are always over heating or freezing to death, and my grandma and i are always freezing to death. so when we finally convinced my sister to turn the heat on, everyone else immediately was like, oh my goooooood its so hot with the ovens blah blah blah. shut up and be low on iron like me and then try to walk around your cold grey halls and bare wooden floors. jesus you don't care about this.

i guess i don't have to write about stuff people would care to read. today we went christmas shopping for our kids, it was expensive but less than i planned for which is good. i want to give my kids all of their gifts now, i hate waiting until xmas lol. my family (like my mom dad and brother) are nerds who stay up pretty late usually, so when my brother and i got older, my parents would be like hey it's xmas technically even tho you havent gone to bed, do you wanna open your gifts? and we'd be like hell yea?? and we would. so breaking traditions is actually really fun. my husband's family has a tradition of gifting xmas pjs on xmas eve, but 1) they usually buy me the wrong size, 2) they usually buy me pajamas i would never buy for myself and 3) these pajamas would have been nice to have 6 weeks ago when it started getting cold enough at night that i want to wear pjs to bed. so my husband and i buy our own xmas pajamas whenever we feel it's a good time to. my husband this year bought miles morales pajama pants from walmart that are crazy long on him. but he says he loves that it covers his toes lol

i know i know i knoooow ok i know that i have written this so many times. but i want to move so bad. i feel like silly putty sinking into the carpet. put me back in my silly putty egg. i dont like being able to recognize the same cracks in the sidewalk up to my door. or seeing the same shapes in the stippled ceiling texture. one time (when i was living with my parents) i almost threw away my mom's precious coffee scoop on purpose. she has kept that coffee scoop for years and it was handed down to her from a family member if im not mistaken. i feel like my mom's coffee scoop. please throw me in the trash. i am a beautiful vintage steel measuring cup and i want to go on a weird stinky adventure and i am done scooping coffee. on the other hand, getting used to a new place can be weird. like getting to learn where the handle on the fridge is and going to grab the ghost of where the handle was on your last one. my husbands first car had the gear shift under the wheel, but every car since has had it in between the seats. but he still will occasionally swoop his hand under the wheel expecting to catch the shift, missing of course, and chuckling a cute embarrassed chuckle. so thats one funny thing about change. but moving for me was always constant growing up. staying in one place for years is change for me.

did i ever blog after my brother's halloween party? i fink not so i will lol. it was a lot of fun. i dressed as lola bunny from space jam. last year i was dot warner so i guess i have to continue to stay on warner brothers theme. i want to go as starfire next year so that works. my brother lives with two roommates, and one of them was in west virginia during the party. he has anxiety around large crowds, which is fine, but that meant that his bartender friend decided not to go because he wasnt going to be there lol. i like having him there because obvs he's a bartender and excitedly makes us drinks all night, and also because he made me laugh this one time when he and his friend decided to having a kicking contest and he said something along the lines of "what are we talking? front kick? side kick?" being down for silliness will bud twinkling stars in my eyes. and those stars keep my soul alive longer than blood will carry my body.

ok anyways, my brother's other friend who has gone to all of the parties in the past told us he also couldnt come, which was another devistation. he brings open arms no judgement, and loves to play cards against humanity. i used to hate having everyone do the same thing at a party, like i prefer to go around talking to everyone in different rooms. but he makes having an attention span worth it. luckily, he did come later in the night, and we drunkenly played cards against humanity. my brother's other roommate sat next to me and i sleepily layed my head on his leg every now again. have you experienced a bliss so pure as orbiting away from soberness while resting on your friends?

before halloween came around, my sister in law and their bf broke up. i didnt see it coming but also i saw it coming. anyways, i wanted both of them to go but my sister in law couldnt make it because they have a toddler, buuuut their ex had time after work. except it would be super late into the party. i didnt care how late, i just wanted him to be there so there would be more people, and so i could establish us as friends even tho they had broken up. by the time he got to the party, i was soooo sleepy and fighting a touch of nausea, so when he sat down i immediately rested my head on him. he then joined our game of cards against humanity while i slowly started clawing towards a light premature hangover lmao. later, my husband told me that when i rested my head on him, he shot my husband a worried glance, like um your girl is falling asleep on me? that made me laugh and i would tell you what my husband said next but i think that potentially my website's audience is a bit young to mention it.

two of my old coworkers came, they worked with me at different times so they actually met for the first time which i didnt even think about until they both were there lol. people who make friends with everyone at work make me curious, maybe im too picky but i dont like all of those people. so the two that i specially chose and invited to parties are truly the best of the best. i should have talked to them more but like i said, i like to be up and popping in and out of rooms instead of impressing the shape of my bony ass in my brother's dilapidated couch, my clammy hands struggling to grip my cup lol

oh my god this is a long entry but moving on, our next party is on new years eve. my bday is on new years because im a pretty pretty princess so when the ball drops, you're actually congratulating me. ego aside, im excited for this party because we're keeping it small so my brother's roommate doesnt dip lol. except my brother accidentally invited our older brother, which i dont mind at all, its going to be so much fun hanging out with him for real, but we all agreed to not invited people and he goes and does it on accident. now i have to think about his potential music tastes and incorporate that into my playlist lmao.

well. i think i mentioned everything worth mentioning.