arlita

june 17th 2023

personal

i actually for real need to get a grip on myself and treat my hobbies like a vital organ in my system or im going to cave inward. i have been so distracted and so lazy. i dont hate myself for this or anything, i just miss myself. anyways i went to pride festival this weekend, it was cool and fun etc. but every thing i go to like this tears the same god damned band aid. i am exposed i am seen and i am sore. when i was like 12 i went to the circleville pumpkin show, as i had been going my whole life. i dressed so cute, my favorite jeans, tennis shoes, a pretty shirt. my hair is naturally curly so i just let it do its thing. i put more care into my appearance and was so excited to go the pumpkin show and buy over priced pumkpin spiced drinks and play festival games and ride rides with my friend.

but when i got there i was absolutely struck by how much older and put together people my age were. they had braids in. and large collections of bracelets up their arms. and eyeshadow!! i can not at all put into words the rage i have, a deep inner dark dark emotion that washes over me when i remember how much young girls are conditioned to give a fuck. oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god!!!!!!!! my friend (a boy) just got to wear what his mom picked out and spend his little allowence on games with ZERO concern at all for how kids our age perceived him. hmmmm the rage is bubbling. i am not mad at him obviously he's great and so insanely lucky. im mad that just by going through life, reading magazines rarely, watching tv ehh a few nights a week, being on the internet here and there, gave me enough information about seciety's expectations on me to wreck me so easily. god fucking damnit i am an ant under someone's sweaty thumb. if anyone misinterprets this as me being obsessed with comparing myself to other girls you have no reading comprehension skills and im going to doxx your mom.

i want to also mention that i do not at all know what growing up as a boy is like so i may be discrediting his experience, and thats not fair of me. i have never once asked him how he felt that day, if he felt confined to be an image of the perfect young boy, curated by his mom, even the money in his pocket was selectively given to him on the condition he spend it reasonably. i have no idea!! so please dont mistake my complaining/venting for trying to invalidate or devalue another's childhood. peace and love on planet earth

if i do the most, groom myself to the nines, i lose. i lose and i am a loser because i fell for it. i fell right into the trap of always needing to have and replacing and applying makeup and lotions and hair products. if i do nothing, if i "let myself go" (oh my fucking god.) i lose again. im a loser. and there is no balance because there is no scale because there is no better option because they're both equally judged and micro-analyzed by people. it is not enough to exist. and it is doing too much to conceal yourself.

and on top of all of that, everyone always knows what to do and i dont. i dont know how else to word this. i do not know what to do. i do not know how to approach things. i am incapable of stepping myself forward into Situations. the expectations are alien to me. everything ive learned i have to unlearn every time i do something and then people try to tell me the rules never changed and im the crazy one. "it's just a phone call it will take less than a minute" "it's just a restaurant where you tell them what you want" "it's just a festival itll be fun walking around aimlessly for hours" all of those things are so much more than that!!! like hello??? hello am i the only one seeing this??? hi am i here alone???