january 2023 archive

♡ return

untitled atm

january 28th 2023


what if i asked a very confronting and terrible question. i asked myslef this. what if i am sad that my ex uncle died. i am sad about it because i miss him. even tho he was a bit of a creep and a bit cheeky with me despite how little i was, what i if i miss that. i dont want to miss that. he was weird to me. he was weird with me. i think. i miss it. i dont care. i miss our closenss and his interest me. i crave that level of interest from evyerone. i just want to show people me and i want them to care and i want them to look at me while im explaing a part of myself and i want them to care. and he did. he looked at me and he cared. he noticed i was good at the things i was good at it and he wanted to show me the things he was good at. he showed me lil electronic shit and the things he owned and he shared stories with me. oh my god oh my god. he was like a father figure ot me. not just n uncle. i got a really good dad. my dad also does those things. thats the standard. if you can match my dads energy for how much he cares about me, youve charmed me. i miss talking to my ex uncle late at night. i miss watching stargate atlantis with him. i miss when i was watching shows like girls next door and him telling me i probably shouldnt watch that. i miss watching wrestling and him whistling at the women hosts who had booby windows on their shirts. i miss engaging him in topics i knew he cared about on purpose because thats how i could get the most attention i miss it and i miss him and he was not meant to die at the time he did but he did and im here alone to miss him without me. i live with my little family i dont depend on anyone any more. but that means i cant walk into the kitchen at 2 am and know i have a pair of ears waiting for me. i dont have him here to tell me i shouldnt wer short skirts just to go to the dairy queen. or to tell me not to tell my boyfriend i love him even tho wed only been dating a few months and we were both in high school. i dont have him to listen to me while i explain sudoku techniques. he used to throw me in the pool. i miss being afraid every time. i miss being in his arms while he walked down the porch steps and lifting me and dropping me. i miss being worried while i was slowly coming back up for air that i wouldnt, but felt relieved when i came back up and saw him. youre not supposed to be a kind of older guy and hang out with a 12 year old girl like a couple of college buddies. but we did. he told me i couldnt eat more than two slices of a pizze so i ate four. he took me to get ice cream but they got my order wrong and he called and raised hell and got a coupon for another ice cream. it scared me because we had just been laughing about how late at night we were out getting ice cream, then he got really mad. and we didnt talk the rest of the night even tho he wasnt mad at me. i miss when the lights went out because of a storm and we would go on walks outside in the afternoon dusk with nice flashlights because all of the electronic/electronic adjacent things he owned had to be the best quality. he was also dealthy afraid of tornados for some reason. he would stare off into the distance and pace the house. i would watch him watch the sky and i would watch him walk down the basement stairs and come back up. and the storm would pass, but he would talk about it for weeks. he would talk about it to me. and then i moved and we stopped talking because him and wifey were terrible people to live with. we stopped talking. we stopped messaging. he was almost immedately out of the loop on my life. i didnt want to see or hear from him. i hated that my mom eventually started talking to him and nvited him the our christmas party. i hated that he was there and said hi to me. i hated that my mom wanted me to be friends with him. i hate that he messaged me and asked me if he did something wrong and i hate that i told him no and then ignored him for the rest of his life.