heart
i am a mom, a sister, an aunt. i love being a mom very much. i enjoyed pregnancy, even the rough months towards the end. being swollen with child is a pleasure to me. watching my husband love his babies that i grew is euphoric. i had no idea if i was going to be ok when i was pregnant with my daughter. i loved pregnancy, and rarely thought about what life was going to be like taking care of her. and then i had her. and i held her, and i recognized her, like i had known her my whole life. she was exactly where she was meant to be, bundled up safe in my arms. and it clicked. my own mom taught me lots and lots of things about being a mommy, and it all centers around loving your baby. you wash her gently because you love her and want her to be clean. you feed her lots of different foods because you love her and want her to have excellent nutrition. you dress her in clothes that fit and are season appropriate because you love her and want her to be warm. you read to her, you play with her, you show her music, you show her painting, you show her math, because you love her and want her to have a well-rounded mind. and now she shows me stuff, like cool rocks she found, music that she plays on repeat, and paintings she made. this feeling somehow expanded even more after i had my son. i love being a mom very much.
people whose moms suck deserve so much better. my reaction is always, i'll be your mom. i will literally be your mom. this is a silly reaction and is not feasible lol but it's instinct maybe. your mom didn't read to you and turn on your night light? i will read you a story, i will bring you water, i will make your room feel safe, and i will tuck you into bed. and i WILL kiss your forehead. if you are reading this and you need a kiss on the forehead, MUAH! you have been kissed tenderly and motherly right where it counts, on your sweet little noggin where all of your important thoughts and feelings grow. i love you, my darling little baby.
i have lots of siblings, not a crazy amount but more than a few. my little brother and i share the same two parents. he will always be eleven in my brain but he's only a few years younger than me. all of my other siblings have you have deduced are older than me. most of them are good people who i like to be around. being a sister is hard to me. to me, all i have to do is talk with them like no time has past between the last time we spoke, and we're good. but i feel like i'm supposed to do more than that. one of strange values is i don't wish people happy birthday. not like, maliciously withholding happy birthday wishes, but i am just tired of wishing people happy birthday. we get it, you aged. me too homie. and this extends to my family. i dont buy them stuff or wish them happy birthday over text, phone call, facebook post. i don't feel the need to, except when i feel like a shitty sister. i should have wished them happy birthday.
several of my siblings have children and i am their loving aunt. i am not an amazing cool aunt but they know i love them very much. i love hearing about their interests and friends and asking them about themselves. i think they love me back.
another piece of my heart is media. i have a list of tattoo ideas that i shared outloud with my husband's family and they all were like, that is just a list of cartoon characters. and i was like... you are correct. but if i don't get jessica rabbit tattooed on me eventually, how will people know that i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way?
